Kiss me goodbye
by Klaine Hummelson
Summary: No one deserves to be bullied being slushed or thrown in to lockers. So why him? Kurt can't do it anymore. He has tried long enough and now he is just tiered. Maybe its okay for him to lay down and give up? Angsty/depressed Kurt suicide/sucidal thoughts. More warnings as the story continues :
1. You wont bring me down

**Heeeres Johnny! No just kidding here's the first chapter of a few in this story. Its about Kurt and mainly about him and his family. Propably some glee kids too of course. Kurt's slipping away. How will his family and friends cope when the worse that could ever happen happens? Alot of angst in hear so no happy fic. This is my first glee fic and hope you will enjoy it, English is not my native language. Just saying :) I don't own glee but you already knew that. Enjoy**

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"Come on Kurt we really need to get going now" Finn shouted from downstairs.

Kurt didn't answer and Finn sighed deeply. Kurt who always seemed to have a sarcastic or insulting comment at hold for times like this. Lately bullying had become worse for his brother. The way he was all tense when they arrived at school. The way he was quite at glee rehearsals and barley speaking to Finn on the rides home.

He had tried to talk to Kurt, about telling Kurt's dad about the increasing bullying but Kurt refused, claiming it wouldn't do anyone any good. That it wasn't that bad and that he his father didn't need anything to worry about but his own health. He also said that Finn was overreacting and shouldn't worry about a slushy or a shove in to the lockers. It happened. And if Kurt didn't care, neither should Finn. Finn didn't now what to believe anymore. All he knew was that Kurt looked worse than ever. He had lost weight and always seemed to be tired and tense. Finn was really worried about Kurt but as soon as he started talking to Kurt about it Kurt told him not o worry about him.

"Finn shouldn't you be in school?"

It was Burt's grumpy voice from behind him. Living with the Hummels for a couple of months now Finn and his mom had learned one thing. Hummels had a bad temper in the mornings.

"Yeah" he answered "Just waiting for Kurt" He smiled to Burt and and Burt laught softly.

"Well I have learned one thing about my son after all these years never..."

"Leave the house without try at least three different combos of outfits" Finn filled in, laughing. "He does that with me too you know" He continued.

In the same moment, Kurt came running down the stairs with his school books under his arms and his hair in perfect order. As always, Something was different though. Something about his eyes, It looked as if Kurt had been crying, yet there was a determination he'd never seen before in Kurt's eyes.

"Sorry" Kurt said as he packed his bag.

"Dude" Finn said. "Just hurry okay?"

Kurt sighed and finished packing his bag and walked to his dad giving him a kiss on his cheek.

"Love you dad" he whispered barely audible.

"Love you too buddy, always" Burt said smiling. "You know you're cooking tonight right? There's some chicken defrosting and some peppers"

"Sure dad" Kurt said smiling. His smile never reached his eyes though, Finn thought. Burt didn't seem to notice and just continued. "You have a good day now and I'll see you tonight. Might be late from work"

Kurt looked out of the window for a second before answering.

"Yeah dad...see you...tonight" He turned around and walked to the door where Finn was waiting.

"Should we get going?"

"..Okay..." Fin said. "Buy Burt. See you tonight"

"Buy Finn" Burt said.

The ride to school was quiet and Kurt kept staring out of the window. Finn focused on the road and tried not to think about the awkward situation from earlier. Kurt was acting...weird. He shot a glance at his step brother who kept staring out of the window.

"Kurt? Is something wrong? Did something happen to you?" He said casting one more glance to his brother before turning back to the road.

Kurt kept quite for a while and Finn thought for a moment that he wasn't gonna answer.

"I'm okay Finn, thanks for asking, I'm tired that's all. You don't have to worry. I can handle it"

"You don't have to Kurt, You don't have to be like this" He said "You can tell me anything. I will help you. I'm your friend"

"Thanks Finn" Another pause " I really appreciate it" He smiled again and Finn returned it.

"Anytime dude"

Five minutes later they found themselves walking over the parking lot towards the main entrance.

"I'll see you in Glee and at lunch later" Finn said when they got to the hallway and Finn was t turn right and Kurt left. Kurt was busy reading something in his phone and didn't answer immediately. Then he looked up. He smiled but looked utterly sad.

"Yes...see you at Glee...Finn" He started walking but turned around just as Finn was about to to do the same.

"Finn!"

Finn stopped in the moment.

"Yeah?"

"Uh nothing...just. Have a nice day" Kurt ended up saying. And turned and started walking again.

Finn watched his brother leave. Something was wrong and the he was determined to find out what. This time Kurt would't get to get a way from it. Maybe Finn should talk to some of the other glee kids. They could help he thought as he walked towards his English class.

The morning had started like any other morning. Kurt had woken up and done his morning routine like any other day. In some way you could say he was calmer than other days. In others equally terrified of what would be in store for him to day. School had never been easy on Kurt. Sure he had had friends but not many and ha had always been an outcast. How ever. This past months things had gotten worse. Worse then ever before. He knew bullies were jerks, and probably had issues deeper than the people they were harassing. It didn't make it easy though. Or less pain full and hard. Each day things became harder. Slushies had become locker slams and threats. Letters in his locker with painful words written on them. Kurt had struggled so hard to keep himself together. For his dad's sake and for his friends and family. He didn't want to be weak in front of them. They needed bright and shiny fabulous Kurt Hummel. Now he just couldn't do it anymore.

When he came out of the shower his phone was peeping like crazy with new texts. He reached for his phone while sitting on the bed and opened his inbox and nearly dropped his phone in shock as he read.

**Faggot**

**I'm gonna kill you**

He cried

**I feel disgust beeing at the same school as you **

**Fag why don't you run away and never come back**

Salty tears running down his cheeks

**Everybody hates you you filthy fag**

**Burn in hell **

**Its a wonder your father hasn't thrown you out yet**

He shut the phone off as more text kept coming all equally hurting. He put his phone on his bed., blinking hard do make the tears go away. He didn't want to believe people hated him that much. He flinched and walked towards the mirror to put his make up on. His hands was as gentle as always but he didn't seem to care anymore. He fixed his hear and got dressed. Changed his clothes. It was all part of his morning routine. Even if that didn't matter anymore. Somewhere in the middle of all that Finn called him from downstairs. He didn't answer but sat once more on the bed wrapping his arms around his stomach. The constant ache was there. He sighed and closed his eyes, one deep breathe and he was ready for yet another day. And things where never gonna be the same again.

Burt and Finn waited for him downstairs. Finn at the door and his dad in the doorway to the kitchen. Finn looked slightly enoyed.

"Sorry" Kurt said and put the books and his bags,

"Dude" Finn said. "Just hurry okay?"

Kurt sighed. He turned to his dad to kiss him on the cheek. He always did that. Since the heart attack he always needed to do that. And today it was more important than ever.

"I love you dad"He whispered

The words was mean only for his dad. He really didn't want Finn to hear. Hiw ever his father ruined his secret plan

"Love you too buddy, always. Burt smiled "You know you're cooking tonight right? There's some chicken defrosting and some peppers"

"Sure dad" Kurt said He smiled at his dad and Burt smiled back at him.

"You have a good day now and I'll see you tonight. Might be late from work" Burt said,

Kurt swallowed and forced him self to look away for a second. He wasn't gonna cry now.

"Yeah dad...see you...tonight" He said

The school ride was quite and Finn seemed to understand that Kurt didn't want to talk. He knew Finn was worried about him. He could tell. But he really didn't want Finn to worry, His brother deserved better than that.

They arrived at school and Kurt turned on his phone again. He knew Finn was talking to him but he barley notice the words coming from his brothers mouth.

**Why don't you just fucking die and make all of us a favor? **

He read the text again before putting his phone back and turning his attention to Finn.

He tried to smile to his brother but it was hard. He swallowed again.

"Yes...see you at Glee...Finn" he said and turned around to walk towards class but turned to his brother once more. Finn was just about to leave

"Finn!"

Finn stopped. Nodded slightly.

"Yeah?"

_Good bye. Take care of dad_

"Uh nothing...just. Have a nice day" Kurt ended up saying. It was best this way.

He picked up his phone again

**Why don't you just fucking die and make all of us a favor? **

_Why don't you just fucking die _

The sender didn't know his text was going to become reality really soon...

**Should I continue? :) Thanks for reading**


	2. Angel, its okay

**So here's chapter 2. Hope you like it. I hadn't expected people to wanting me to continue with this but I'm so happy that you seem to like it. Please review! it helps me get better and it's also interesting t hear your thoughts and opinions. So now the big question. What is Kurt up to? Read and find out. If you don't like to be spoiled just start reading and skip the warnings :) Enjoy!**

Warning to for possible tears and possible charachter death I guess. Suicde

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Kurt looked at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were tiered, his skin gray ad gloomy with the lack of sleep. This face was only a fragment of the former Kurt. The bright and shiny. That person left the building along time ago. The bullies had scared him away with the harassment calls and texts, the slushies and pushes in to the lockers. His confident and pride had been replaced by bruises and tears no one else knew about.

Tears streamed down his face freely now and he didn't wipe them away. The first classes were running and no one was expected to show up in here anyway. He opened his bag and put the bottles of pills on the sink.

He had planed this a week ago. He didn't expect it to be this hard. Just a simple goodbye to his dad in the morning knowing this would be his last.

_Last kiss_

_Last goodbye_

But it was for the best really. He had told him that for along time nw. For him it was just too hard to live like this. And for his family. They would be happy without him. When the instant feeling of betrayal and sadness faded, Kurt thought and swallowed. He hoped they wouldn't be mad with him for his decision.

His dad would be sad for sure. Losing his wife and then his son. Maybe Kurt was selfish for this. But he couldn't care anymore. Besides his father had been so happy since his marriage to Carol. And Finn was the son Kurt wasn't. They would move on.

He looked at the bottles that he had taken from the bathroom cabinet. Pain killers, Burt's heart medication. After all he needed to be sure. He had read way to much news about people trying and just ending up throwing their guts up. That was not an option.

God. It was hard. Finn would hate him for not telling him the truth. Burt would be o sad. And Carole would stay strong for everybody else. Mercedes would be so mad with him for not talking to her lately.

Yet this was his decision.

Hands shaking even more as he opened the bottles and shaking out the pills into his soft palm. The small yellow and the bigger whites.

They would move on without him. His dad would continue working in the garage. Finn would still be lead singer at glee along with Rachel. The glee kids would still sing their songs making the way to nationals. His chair would be replaced by someone else.

He took a zip of water. Barley being able to see his reflection in the mirror anymore. His eyes were just to filled with tears.

He knew this was the right decision. For him and everybody else.

_Sorry dad_

He took the pills in his mouth. Swallowed with another zip of water.

_Please don't be mad _

He sobbed quietly. Wiping his tears away. The hard part was done. Now he just needed to wait.

How long would it take?

He decided to sit down for a bit. Checking his watch. 40 minutes until the next break. He wondered who would find him. Begging it wouldn't be Finn or anybody else in Glee. He didn't want his friends to see hm like this.

_Don't forget me right away_

_Don't be too sad_

_It will be okay_

_You'll be fine really_

_I promise_

"Sorry" He whispered. He hoped his family would find the letters he left for them. That Mercedes would find the note he had put by his photo in her locker. He could finally feel it happening. A couple of minutes more and he would be gone forever. His hand fumbled with the phone in his pocket. It felt heavy in his hand,

**Where are you boo? I miss your face. Not getting sick are you ?**

Kurt smiled and for the first time in days it felt real. His hand falled to his lap. It wouldn't be long now.

_The boy on the floor closes his eyes. Ready to die on a cold bathroom floor. Begs for forgiveness. His mind his fussy. _

_Yet clear_

_His mom smiles at him, says its okay. His head falls to his chest as he is too tired to hold himself upright. He can almost feel his life running out of him._

_They say when you die your life flashes before your eyes..._

In the end the bullies won

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**So how do you like it?! Please please please review. It would make me so happy :) **


	3. Nobody's home

**Hi again. Here's chapter three. It was really hard for me to write but I somehow like it anyway even if it took awhile to get there. I hope you will like it. And finally. Thank you so much for your reviews. They mean so much to me and keeps me motivated. No time for some Finn again. :) Enjoy**

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There was something in him that didn't feel right and he couldn't out his finger on it. Something didn't feel right. He was nervous. Finn chewed on the top of his pencil. Played with it in his fingers. Balanced it on index finger.

Something wasn't right. He just wanted to get out of here. Like now. He glanced on the watch on the wall behind Mr Stevens. Only 20 minutes to go. He could do that. He sighed and tried to turn his attention back to the board and back to the voice of his teacher. He didn't seem to be able to remember anything of the past minutes and the words on the board didn't make sense. Like they weren't important at all. Like the test didn't matter. But something did. Like he had forgotten something at home.

Maybe I'm just being anxious, he thought. He decided to concentrate on his book for the rest of the time they were given to read.

The feeling didn't go away. When the bell rung he practially run out of the doors.

"Dude what's going on?"

Puck touched his shoulder causing him to turn around. Finn shrugged.

"You've been acting weird the whole morning. Like staring a lot. Did something happen?"

"No! I don't know. I just." Finn looked at his friend meeting his eyes. "I just got this feeling something is wrong you know?"

"Maybe you forgot something at home?. Your phone maybe? Makes me feel weird all day. Hate when it happens"

Stupid Puck. Sometimes he just talked cause he could, Finn thought.

"No of course not" Finn snarled. He turned around and walked towards the lockers. Puck seemed to follow.

"Hey what's going on? You gonna snap at people all day or was it just at me?"

Finn stopped by his locker and opened it slowly. He bit his lip. It wasn't really Puck's fault that he was in a bad mood. That he felt like things were upside down and utterly wrong.

"Look I'm sorry. I... it's not you. I just-"

Finn was about to continue as Sam interrupted them by skidding to halt infront of Puck.

"Hi, what's up?" He said with a grin on his face.

"Finn here is in a bad mood so if you don't feel like getting snapped at or killed or something, I would keep my mouth shut" Puck said "Isn't that so Finn?"

"Shut up Puckerman" Finn couldn't help but laugh.

"Is Kurt sick or something? Sam asked

"No why?" Finn was confused. Sam and Kurt had first period together.

"Mercedes and I were missing him I class..."

_Kurt wasn't sick_

"...She texted but he didn't answer..."

_Kurt was in school _

"...We figured he might be sick. He looked so tired yesterday..."

_Kurt wasn't in class_

"...Honestly he has looked a bit rough lately..."

"Kurt is not sick" Finn mumbled. "He's in school."

"Maybe he came down with a cold or something?" This time it was Puck who said it but Finn didn't really hear him.

_Kurt wasn't one to skip classes. _

_He never did_

_Kurt was fine..right?_

"He has looked a bit under the weather lately" Sam continued.

_No_

"NO"Finn said loudly.

Both Sam and Puck jumped in surprise at that and then the looked confused.

"Sorry what Finn?" Sam asked

"I said Kurt's not sick. He's in school" Finn said. "We came together I mean. I know he's in school"

Sam and Puck looked at each other. Then at Finn.

"He wasn't in class Finn. I'm sure of that. I mean we did look for hm so we'd know if he was late"

_Uh nothing...just. Have a nice day_

"No he wasn't late" Finn said angrily. He was worried now. Really worried. And if he was feeling anxious before. This was something else. A new level of anxious. He felt sick.

Puck must have noticed cause he put a hand on Finn's shoulder again.

"Maybe he just skipped or went home cause he puked or something.?" He said

"Give him a call dude. If he's home he will probably answer" Sam said but it was something in his voice that sounded so much like worry. The same worry that had Finn gutted and breathless.

"No..." Finn whispered. "Something happened" He bit his lip and put his hand over his mouth. "I have this feeling. I know something happened.

_Uh nothing...just. Have a nice day_

"You think someone got to him?" Sam said "He had it pretty rough before. We should probably look for him if that jerk Karofsky got to him"

_Uh nothing...just. Have a nice day_

Finn didn't seem to be able to concentrate anymore. He didn't hear anymore.

_Yeah dad...see you...tonight_

It hurt to breathe

_Yes...see you at Glee...Finn_

_There had been something in Kurts eyes_

"Relax Finn"

_Determination_

_No_

Finn looked up. Shook his head.

_No_

"No_"_

"Finn? Hey Finn whats going on?"

_Kurt wouldn't do that_

"Just call him...okay?_"_

_Yeah dad...see you...tonight_

"Oh my god oh my god" He whispered.

_Yes...see you at Glee...Finn_

He couldn't breathe

"Kurt" He said

Then the silence in his head was replaced by a scream that would hunt him everyday of the rest of his life.

"OH GOD SOMEONE GET A TEACHER!"

It didn't matter who the voice belonged to because Finn already knew. He was gonna be sick.

_Yeah dad...see you...tonight_

Finn ran

Towards the bathroom. Not caring who he pushed. Who's toes he stepped on. Not caring about anything else but to get there as soon as possible. Even if he knew.

_It's okay Finn...really. It's not that bad. I can candle it by myself. Don't worry..._

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**Okay so that was probably a bit cruel. Just probably ;) However read, review, let me know what you think. Do you like it? What do you want to happen? Please review :) I'll be good :) **


	4. Forever Young

**Didn't think I would be updating this soon. But I just had to you know. It was way to exciting for me not to. So hope you like it. I have noticed some small mistakes in the other chapters. Mostly type ups but hope you don't mind too much. Anyway. Thansk for your reviews and thanks for subscribing :) Now let's see whats going on in the bathroom of Mckinley shall we. Same warnings as before.**

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Finn wasn't prepared for this. He stood in the doorway to the opened bathroom and looked at the bottom end of the room. The empty pillbottles on the sink. Kurt half sitting half lying on the floor. Head to his chest, back supported by the wall. Even from here Finn could see the weird color of Kurt's skin. It looked clammy too.

"I think he's dead" Someone whispered. Maybe the same voice that had been shouting before. Finn didn't really wanna know. All he could see was Kurt, the small teen sitting under the sink. He wished he could move. He needed to be there to help Kurt. Save him. He looked so lonely on the floor like this. Finn needed to show him it would be okay. Maybe it was Finn who needed that.

"What the hell Finn! OMG we gotta help him." Puck grabbed his arm firmly and he could move again. In an instant he was at his brothers aid. He carefully lifted Kurt's head so he could face the smaller boy.

"Kurt? C'mon mate, open your eyes"

He touched Kurt's chin. Patted his face firmly. Kurt was so cold. The clammy feeling under Finn's fingers was scary. Both Puck and Sam was at his side by ow. Puck grabbed the bottles and checked them over. Sam crouched beside Finn. He seemed to know what to do. More than Finn knew at least.

"Kurt open your eyes" Sam said. He too touched Kurt's cheek. Checked Kurt's pulse on the side of his neck.

Finn felt stupid. The way he froze at the sight and now he ended up sitting there watching Sam do all sorts of checks. He wanted to be the one to help Kurt. To comfort him.

"He's heart beats way too fast, and he breaths really faint" Sam said. He then turned to Puck who had stopped reading by now.

"What is it?" Finn's voice belonged to someone else. "Puck"

"It's... I think he took his father's heart medication..."

"We need to call an ambulance. He needs to get to the hospital really fast" Sam said and returned to try to get Kurt to wake up.

A lot of people stood in the doorway now. Some of them even stood in the room. No one moved. They just stared at the scene in front of them. Finn felt his rage build up in him. How could they just stand there when Kurt was dying on the floor. No one even wanted to help him.

"Don't just stand there you bastards. He needs help. Help him. Call for help" He shouted.

Looking around at each other people actually started to bring up their phones someone went to see if a teacher was on the way. Some just kept standing there. Whispering and staring.

"Just go away" Finn cried now. At least he could feel the tears in his face. "You did this to him, you all did this to him. It's your fault" He cried.

"Finn! Calm down I think he- Kurt can you hear me. Try to open your eyes"

Finn immediately focused on Kurt again. Took Kurt's face in his hands. Kurt's eye lids fluttered and he moaned slightly.

"It's okay Kurt. It's Finn"

"Hmmm..."

"You're gonna be okay Kurt, the ambulance will be here and you'll be fine" Finn said and grabbed hold of Kurt's hand. "Okay? You hear me?" Kurt didn't answer. He seemed to far away to understand Finns voice.

_He can't die_

"Finn, Sam, Puck! Whats going on? Kurt?" It was Mr Shue who came running. He crouched in front of Kurt.

"What happened?" He demanded and looked from Finn to Sam and then to Puck who was still standing by the sink.

Finn couldn't answer

"He took an overdose" Sam said "We think he took his fathers heart medication we've called an ambulance. He's pulse is all wrong and he's breathing is really slow and faint"

Mr Shue looked back at Kurt.

"What exactly did he take? This is really important" He said.

"Uhm some Tylenol and Burt's heart medication. I don't know hat it does for him..." Puck said

"It's suppose to make his blood thinner" Finn whispered, not taking his eyes of Kurt, not letting go of the cold hand in his

"Okay Finn that's good to know." Mr Shue said. "We'll give the labels to the medics okay? Now we need to keep him stabilized. Kurt can you wake up for me? He prayed Kurt's mouth opened. "Come on kiddo. Wake up... "

All of a sudden Kurt seemed to be choking. The next moment a trail of blood dripped out of his mouth and and made its way down on his pale felt the fear build up in him at the sight of the crimson read against the pale, almost white.

"Oh shit" Finn cried in panic. "What's wrong with hm. What's going on?" He looked at Mr Shue, Sam and Puck who looked equally scared by the blood.

"We need to put him in recovery position" Mr Shue said and looked at Finn "Okay do you understand Finn? There's a possibility that the pills has caused internal bleeding"

_Oh god _

Finn nodded but continued to look at the blood.

"Finn. I need your help okay?"

Finn didn't move just kept staring at Kurt's still form in front of him

"Finn snap out of it" Sam shouted

Finn flinched and came back to reality. He reluctantly removed his hand from Kurt's and then helped Mr Shue and Sam to put the small boy on his side. He then grasped Kurt's hand again and squeezed it tightly.

"Okay here we go buddy. It's gonna be okay"

More blood seem to come out of Kurt's mouth and his breathing seemed more struggled than before.

"Kurt hang on" Mr Shue shouted. "Come on"

"I don't think he's breathing"

Finn was barley aware of the fact that his hand was removed from Kurt's. That Puck dragged him away and that Mr Shue and Sam had Kurt's still form on his back just as the EMT's came running into the room.

And from there it was all blury...

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**Cliffy! Hope you like it! R&R please! :) If we're lucky there will be one more update tonight. Just maybe :) XX**


	5. White Shadow

**I'm in a good mood so I give you another chapter. Hope you will like it. Not that action packed but important for the story. Read and review**

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Finn didn't know how he had ended up in here. In the antistatic smelling ER with white walls and way too many white coated people stressing down the long corridors. He also wonder how this could have happened in the first place. People where not meant to try to kill themselves in a freaking high school toilet. But Kurt had.

Ever since the paramedics came Finn couldn't recall what actually had happened. Kurt had started to cough up blood all over his beautiful shirt. Finn didn't know what brand it was. Not that it really mattered cause the paramedics had cut it in half almost immediately. Kurt would be pissed to hear about that, Finn thought. If he lived. Then the men in the ambulance had tried to get Kurt to breathe again ending up forcing a long tube in to Kurt's throat. Finn had wanted them to stop. It had looked painful and Finn didn't want pain. Puck had hold him in a firm grip, not letting go as Finn had tried to kick himself free. Mr Shue had put his arm around Finn and Sam had gone to find Mercedes and the rest of glee club.

After what had felt like ages Kurt had been loaded to the stretcher and then carried out. Finn had wanted to go with Kurt but no one would let him. He had screamed and kicked and cursed but no one had cared. They just kept him in an iron grip. Mercedes and girls had come running with tears in their eyes. Trying to hug him. Finn had just ignored them. He couldn't care about Mercedes or even Rachel at a situation like this. He had been to stressed to notice Kurt actually being loaded to the ambulance. He had not noticed Mercedes attempt to go with Kurt. Somehow Finn had ended up in the passenger side of his own car, with Mr Shue behind the wheel and Mercedes in the backseat.

And now, hear he was. Sitting on a too hard chair in a too white room that smelled to much of sickness. Mercedes were leaning against the wall on the opposite side of the corridor. Mr Shue sat at Finn's right. His head was in his hands. He looked tired. Mercedes looked sad. At least she wasn't crying anymore. Finn swallowed hard and forced himself to think back at the morning. How Kurt had been sad yet determined. How he had almost whispered his goodbye to his dad. How he had been later then usual. Kurt had known. Of course he had. You just didn't happen to have all sorts of medication in your back pocket in case you ended up so sad and fucking lonely you wanted to kill your self in a public bathroom. Finn wondered how long Kurt had known. He tried to think back at when it all had started but it was a blur. He remembered them all getting slushed and maybe it had been worse for Kurt. But it had bee bad for Rachel too. He had screwed up. Big time. And so had the glee club. It hurt him to know that they hadn't seen how bad things was. He hadn't seen- And even if he had seen something was wrong he had done anything. No one had. Maybe everyone had been to busy with their one life to notice on of their friend's slowly slipping away. Now it was too late. And for all Finn knew. Kurt could be dead.

"Finn! Finn!" His mom's voice felt like a knife in his ears. He stood up from his seat and she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him in the hair. "God Finn is he okay. What happened. Have they told you anything?"

Burt had tears in his eys as he looked from Finn to Mr Shue.

"Finn?" His voice sounded so far from his normal.

Finn shoke his head and sobbed.

"I'm sorry" He whispered. "Kurt...he" tears streamed down his face again. "I knew something was wrong and I didn't do anything' I just went to class and I didn't say anything"

Mr Shue stood and cleared his voice.

"Mr Hummel, I'm Kurts teacher. I..."

Burt looked at Mr shue and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Carole took his other hand in hers and squeezed it.

"Is my boy okay?" Burt asked with a shaky voice.

"We don't know yet. Apparently he took an overdose of a mix of pain killers ad blood thinners. Someone found him and gt me. Ad well Finn I believe got there when he heard something was wrong"

"But he's gonna be okay right? I mean you got him here?"

"Mr Hummel, Kurt was in a bad way but let's just wait for a doctor. Okay?"

Burt nodded and slowly took a seat in one of the chairs. Carole went to give Mercedes a hug. Ad they ended up in each other's arms. Finn let himself sink to the floor and wrapped his arms around his knees. What took them so long? Why hadn't they heard anything yet?

"How could this happen" Burt mumbled "Why didn't I notice something"

Mr Shue left after that and mange to bring Mercedes back. Glee club were starting and the other kids waited on news just as badly as Finn and the rest of the family.

Another hour later and Finn had started to walk back and forth in the hallway ignoring Burt's annoyed glare. Maybe someone decided this was the time to approach the small family.

"Family of Kurt Hummel?"

Burt stood up and almost run towards the doctor. A middle age man with no hear at all on his head.

"I'm his dad. Is he okay?"

The doctor looked sad. He shouldn't be sad, Finn thought. Doctors were suppose to deliver news all the time. Bad or Good.

"Just tell us" Carole said

Finn held his breath.

"Kurt is alive, but I'm afraid it doesn't look good"

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**Yay he's alive...for now! Let me know what you think so far. Is Kurt gonna live? **


	6. Blackbird part 1

**Hey again! Next chapter is up but this will be a two part chapter and I think the next chapter will be up either tonight or maybe tomorrow. Its my birthday and I don't hink I will be able to update until tuesday after tomorrow. Just so you know. Thanks again for your reviews. In this chapter I went from Kurt or Finn's pow to the glee club. Hopefully you will like it. :)**

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It must have been the first time in ages the choir room was quiet. School was out and the corridors empty and quiet. but there they sat on their normal chairs. All quiet. Mercedes held Rachels hand tightly. Mr Shue and Mercedes had arrived there two hours ago. The rest of the glee kids had hoped for news by then. But not even two hours later they new anything about their friend. Santana played with here phone and checked facebook and twitter every other minute. Brittany chewed on her hair and Artie kept flipping his wheel chair back and forwards until he almost flipped over and Puck saved him by grabbing hold of him.

"Dude just sit in the fucking chair" Puck snapped. He glared at Artie angrily as if the whole situation was his fault.

"Relax man" Sam said. "It won't help to snap at each other."

"Yeah sorry man" Puck sad and smiled t Artie who just nodded.

"Yeah it's okay. Should probably sit still instead anyway"

"This is just stupid" Santana said and stood up "What are we even doing here. We could be home by now. Not stuck in school the whole night?

"Don't go there Santana"

"Just shut up Santana" Mercedes said and let go of Rachel's hand. The next second she stood in front of Santana. " No one ever asked you to stay so just leave okay. No on cares what you think. Just leave"

Santana stood all quiet as Mercedes kept spitting angry words at her.

"Okay girls calm down please, as I said. No idea in arguing. It wont to Kurt tor any of us any good"

Sam tried to remove Mercedes and get her to sit down again but she wouldn't let him.

"Don't tell me to calm down Sam" She growled. "Maybe you should go home too you know"

Sam looked surprised at first. But he got it. Kurt was her best friend and she porbalby felt guilty and angry she hadn't been allowed to stay at hospital.

"Hey" He whispered and forced her to look at him. He took her face in his hands. "I know your sacred. And so are we. And I know you wanted to be at the hospital with him but you need to stay calm okay. Kurt'll be fine. I promise okay?"

She nodded and went to sit in her seat again. Santana sat down to.

"This sucks" Puck sighed

"Why won't they call us" Tina said and leaned on her boyfriends shoulder who put his hands around her.

"Guys I'm sure they will call as soon as they know something. It's a hard time for all of us and especially for Kurt's family. But right now we have to stay strong together. And I think we could use everybody's comfort. But if you want to go home you can. We can't stay here much longer anyway"

Just as Mr Shue finished his phone rang. He took it out of his pocket.

"Just one minute guys" He said and left the room.

"How could he do that to us" Rachel said who had been very quite for being her.

"Maybe he didn't want to be sad in front of us if dolphins not gonna be okay" Brittany mumbled.

No one answered but kept staring at the door where they still could hear Mr Shue's mumbles. After what felt like ages he finally returned to the room. Looking at his students.

"Is Kurt gonna be okay"

"Who was it?"

"What did they say"

"Is he okay"

Mr Shue swallowed.

"Guys that was Carole. Finns mom. I'm afraid news are not that good... They don't expect him to live through the night"

"Shit" Puck whispered

Mercedes and Rachel hugged each other and they were both sobbing. Tina had buried her head deep into Mike's chest and he stroked her back.

"I'm sorry guys. We all had hoped for better news..."

"Can we go see him?" Rachel asked

"I don't think that's a good idea Rachel" Mr Shue said and sat back on his chair and put a hand through he's already messy hair.

"But we are his friends" Tina said. "He needs to know we care for him"

"Yeah but Carole asked for us not to come tonight. Finn is a wreck and so is Burt. He just want's to be alone with his soon for awhile. And as much as it sucks, we have to respect that"

"Sucks? Sucks huh? He might die. We might not gonna see him again an its all about what Burt want's or Finn. Screw them. What about us. Or Kurt!" Puck was angry again. He stood up so suddenly his chair flew backwards and hit the floor with a bang.

"Noah" Mr Shue started but he didn't get any longer.

"NO!" Puck shouted and then stormed out of the room.

Mr Shue sighed deeply and put his head in his hands. He felt tears in his eyes but didn't let them spill. He needed to be here for his kids right now.

"I'll go after him" Sam said. I think I know where he is anyway.

Mr Shue could only nod as Sam too disappeared through the opened door.

"C'mon Cedes" Rachel said. "You can stay at my place tonight. And we can call Finn. And we can see Kurt in the morning. When things have settled" She pulled at Mercedes arm and got her to stand up Mercedes nodded.

"I think everybody should go home. You can call me at anytime and I will talk to your teachers about you being able to come hear in the morning tomorrow" Mr Shue said.

Everybody got up to leave and soon it was only Will in the room. He looked at the chair that Kurt normally sat on.

Will wondered how he could miss this. How could he miss Kurt being so miserable. He had failed as a teacher and it was Kurt who paid for it.

He broke down and cried.

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**So that's that. How did you like it? No cliffy this time so you can't hate me. Right? xD This chapter too was really heard for me to write. But I'm happy with it in the end. **


	7. Blackbird part 2

**hi again. hope you're all good. You surly make me feel really good about myself with your lovely response. I'm a happy girl for sure :) Anyway here's the next chapter who I had some help with by CrissColferCrow who agreed on being my beta. So thankful :) So enjoy.**

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"Kurt's alive but I'm afraid it doesn't look good"

Finn didn't know weather to feel relieved or scared to death. That Kurt was alive was a good thing? Right? Cause he hadn't looked alive back in the bathroom. Just pale and dead.

"The pills Kurt swallowed have manged to do some serious damage" The doctor continued. "The Tylenol on its on was bad enough but mixing pills is always even more dangerous. I'm sure Kurt was well aware of that"

_Yeah sure _

"But whats wrong with him then?" Burt asked with the same shaky voice as before.

"What kind of damage are we talking about doctor" Carole asked.

She probably knew what kind of damage that usually accured. She was a nurse after all. But maybe she didn't want to think about possible consequences right now.

The doctor smiled sadly and continued in a very calm manner.

"We have given him medication to help bind the toxics and we have performed a gastric lavage, pumped his stomach to get rid of the remaining toxics in his stomach. The different pills have had different impacts on Kurt's body. When people overdose on pain medication such as Tylenol, the usually liver takes a lot of damage. And it is the case for Kurt as well and I'm afraid the damage is devastating and he already shows signs of liver failure. As for the blood thinners, the medication for your heart, didn't affect Kurt in the same way. We got to know from your son that you had a refill a couple of days ago. Is that correct?"

Burt nodded.

"Two days ago"

"Okay then we know how many pills he took. Unfortunately a small amount of these pills can do severe damage. Ad Kurt took a lot of them causing internal bleeding to his abdominal area. Something we might need to operate on if it doesn't stop bleeding. Another crucial thing is that Kurt has a high risk of bleeding to his brain.

The whole room went deadly silent, Carole brought her hands up to her mouth, tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. Burt also looked like he was about to burst into tears. Finn just stood there in shock.

Bleeding to the brain?

Finn had watched enough hospital drama TV shows to know that anything to do with damage to the brain was bad. Really bad.

"He could die at any moment. I suggest you prepare yourself just in case, and pray for a miracle." The doctor smiled sadly at the devastated family, and walked away down the hall.

Burt collapsed onto the chair, and started to cry into his hands. Carole sat down slowly and cautiously put her arms around him, which only made him sob more.

"Its all my fault." Burt cried.

"No, no, no honey its not your fault. You didn't know any of this stuff was happening-"

"That's the point! I should have Carole! When he was being distant, I should have made him talk to me about it. Now it's my fault."

"He's ready to be seen now" A young looking nurse said and approached the small family. "I will take to his room and fill you in if you have questions"

"Okay Come here honey" Carole said and Burt stood up on shaky legs. "Finn you too sweetie"

The three of them followed the nurse as she guided them through corridors and elevators. A couple of minutes later they found themselves in the ICU. The nurse stopped before entering the room. She waved to another nurse who smiled and walked towards them.

"I'm Carly" She said "I'm Kurt's nurse at the moment. "I'll take you to him in a couple of minutes"

Carole nodded. Burt and Fin just stood quiet behind her.

"I just want to make sure you are prepared. He's really sick and on a ventilator. Don't be scared of that. We are monitoring him very closely for different things so he will be wired up to all sorts of machines but don't let them bother you okay?" She smiled warmly. "Okay he's in there, behind the curtain. Dan is with him right now and I will come and check on him in a while. Once you have settled down" She left them and they waked towards the other end of the room.

Even if they had been prepared for this nothing could keep them from gasping at the sight of Kurt in the bed. They didn't really know what was worse. The endless meters of wires attached all the different machines or the tube forced down in Kurt's mouth with the plastic thing keeping it in place covering almost half of his face. Even though he wasn't as pale as before he still looked dead, Finn thought. If it wasn't for all the machines telling him Kurt was still alive he wouldn't believe it.

"Oh god"

Burt was the first to approach the bed as he gently took one of Kurt's hands and squeezed it in one of his. He slowly sat down on one of the chairs.

"Hey kiddo" He whispered. "It's dad..." The hand that wasn't holding Kurt's was so soft ad gentle as he stroke his boys pale cheek. "I've got you now baby and everything is gonna be alright" He brushed the hair of Kurt's forehead. "I'm here Kurt...Don't be scared okay? Dad's here now..."

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**Oh my. Poor family and poor Kurt. No cliffy though :) So that is for now. I won't be able to update until Monday night bu most likely it won't be until Tuesday night! As always I would be really happy if you let me know what you think. Cheers Xx**


	8. Born to die

**Sorry that it took me this long to update but i have been really busy. How ever here's a new chapter! :)**

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Things had been quite calm during the night. But it was a fact that Kurt wasn't improving but rather getting slightly worse every hour. Burt hadn't talked to anybody but Kurt since they got to Kurt's room. Carole had tried to get him to talk, to eat, to drink, to get some sleep but it didn't matter. Burt refused. He just kept sitting in the chair holding on to Kurt as if his life depended on it, softly talking to his son. After hours however he had fallen asleep leaning onto the bed. Not letting go of Kurt's hand even in his sleep.

Now it was morning and Carole still sat in the waiting room with Finn's head on her lap as he slept sprawled on a couple of chairs. She looked down at her boy and was happy that he was safe and sleep on her lap. Though she knew he was blaming himself. She stroke his hair and he was starting to stir. When his eyes met her's he bolted straight up with a worried look on his face.

"Mum is something wrong? Did Kurt...?

"No honey...Kurt's alive. And Burt's still asleep. "It's morning"

Finn nodded.

"But that's good right. I mean the doctors said they didn't think he would live this long. Right? I mean he did so maybe he will be okay. Right mom?"

Carole looked at her son. He looked desperate.

"Finn...Kurt he's not gonna get better. Even if he survived the night he's gonna keep getting worse. His liver is gonna stop working. And his lungs and heart are struggling hard as it is. And-

"No just say he will be okay" Finn said and turned away with tears in his eyes.

"Finn honey. I wish I could but he needs a miracle to get through this. We need to prepare ourselves. Okay"

"NO" Finn said loudly and moved away from her touch when she tried to but a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't give up on him like that. You just chose to accept what the doctors say. But they don't know him so screw them. Kurt will be fine." With that he stood and started to walk towards the exit.

"Finn baby" She said after him.

"Just don't" He whispered. "I...call me if anything happens"

She nodded. Maybe her son needed some time alone. She saw him disappear through the doors and decided it was time to wake Burt up. Of course he was already awake sitting with his head in his hands rubbing his face.

"Hi" She whispered but he jumped in surprise anyway.

"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you"

"No it's fine" He said but Carole could hear it in his voice.

"How is he?" She asked. It was a stupid question really because they both knew the answer.

"The doctors say he's getting worse. His liver is failing and his heart and longs are struggling harder now. They don't know if he's in pain or not"

"Maybe you should take a break. You need to eat something at least."

"No I can't leave him"

"Burt I know your afraid not to be hear for him. But you need to look ater yourself too and you know that."

"I think we should let the glee kids visit him" Burt mumbled instead. "He would have wanted that" he grabbed Kurt's hand again. Kissing it softly.

Carole tried not to cry at that. It was all so real know. The saying goodbye part way too close. But she knew it was true. The glee kids was Kurt's family and they needed to be here too.

"Yeah you're right"

"Where's Finn?"

"I don't know. He got really upset before. He doesn't want to accept... He will be back though"

Burt didn't answer and Carole believed he hadn't really listened either. He was talking to Kurt again. With small comforting words. She could see the tears in his eyes and the slight trembling in his hands. She sat down beside him and gently stroke his back.

"Why did he do this to himself?" Burt asked and for a second his eyes met his wife's before he returned his gaze to his son's pale face. "He was a happy boy. He loved life. And now."

He was about to continue but Kurt's doctor interrupted him when he walked into the room. He cleared his throat and began to speak.

"Good morning" He started. "I need to speak to you about Kurt's condition, maybe outside?

Of course Burt shook his head. And refused to even meet the doctors eyes. The doctor sighed and decided to sit down on the opposite side of the bed. He looked at the strained man in front of him and his heart broke at the sight. The man had barley slept since his boy had been admitted to the ICU. In fact he hadn't left the room with fear his son would die when he wasn't there.

"Mr Hummel, I'm sorry to say this but it seems like the bleeding in Kurt's abdominal area is not improving and he will need surgery to repair the damage."

"So take him to surgery then" Burt said without taking his eyes of Kurt

"The problem is Mr Hummel, that Kurt's not strong enough to have surgery. Not with the risks of him having a hemorrhage. And Kurt's heart is barley working as it is. He can't breathe on his own and the damage to his lungs are permanent. If we take him into surgery at this point he will die."

Burt closed his eyes at the word die. This couldn't be happening

"And if we don't take him to surgery?"

"He will die too. It's only a matter of time. He was strong to live through the night. I think he will propably live a couple of hours, maybe a few days but then the toxics in his body will be to high since his liver is not working for him. We could help with that but it would just prolong his suffering."

Burt looked at the doctor for the first time in minutes. He looked angry.

"So basically you're telling me you're just gonna watch him die just like that? Without trying. There's gotta be something"

"Mr Hummel I'm sorry-"

"No that's not gonna happen. Not to him."

"Sch" Carole hushed as she embraced him and he sobbed on her shoulder. She looked at the doctors with teary eyes. She knew what he was about to say next and she knew Burt would refuse on that.

"Having him like this is just making him suffer longer. You could let him go. And we would make sure it was pain free and and peace full"

"No" Burt said fiercely "I'm not killing him"

"It wouldn't be killing him" The doctor tried desperately but Burt just looked even more angry with him.

"No just leave us alone okay. Don't tell me what to do just go"

The doctor nodded and decided to leave. This was always a hard decision for people to do. Maybe they would change their minds later. Burt watched the doctor leave the room before he broke down completely. Carole took him in his arms again and held him tight.

"I'm not ready for this Carole" He sobbed. "I can't leave him. I'm not ready for that"

She just kept stroking his back in small circles and let him cry.

"I know..." She whispered. "I know..."

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**I'm cruel I know that xD just let me know what you think and I might get nicer. Just maybe though :) **


	9. With every heartbeat

**Next chapter is up :) You all are so amazing at giving me feedback and it keeps me motivated to continue so thank you so much. Your words make me smile :)**

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The glee kids stood in front of the hospital entrance where Finn was going to meet them. They were all quiet. Earlier that day Carole had called them and said that things weren't looking so good anymore and that they should get there as soon as they could. She didn't need to say that it was to say goodbye. They all knew that. Mercedes was already there and had been for an hour.

"Dolphin's gonna die" Brittany said. More to herself than anybody else. But Santana but her arms around her anyway.

"Yes" She whispered. "That's why we are here. To let him know we love him and that we will miss him very much."

Brittany nodded sadly. She was so angry at the people who had made Kurt hurt himself. This was their fault. The glee club wouldn't have their dolphin anymore and Mr Hummel would be so sad now that he had lost both his wife and his son. Brittany would make sure she would give him a hug when she got there. To make him feel better.

Finn arrived a minute later. He looked tired and pale. His hair was messy and he clearly hadn't shaved in a couple of days.

"Hi guys" He said

"Hey" The others said and Rachel went to hug him.

"Are you okay?" She asked studying his face worriedly.

"Yeah I'm fine. Burt's worse but he says he's happy you are here. But I don't know. He's not doing good"

"Well we are here now. And we just you all to know we are here for you" Puck said and stood up.

"Thanks for coming guys. Kurt would really appreciate it" Finns voice faded out and the last words was barley a whisper. Rachel grabbed his hand and he squeezed it back.

Five minutes later they stood in Kurt's room. Mercedes still sat in her chair holding one of Kurt's hand in his. And Rachel decided to take the chair beside her. The others stood around the bed not knowing what to say or do. How could they just say goodbye like that knowing this could be the last time they ever saw him.

"Oh man. This sucks" Puck mumbled.

"The doctors think he can hear you if you talk to him." Finn mumbled and took a step back to let his friends in instead. Tina slowly sat down on the last chair and Mike followed her and stood behind her, massaging her shoulders.

"So we can tell him we love him and he will be able to hear?" Brittany asked

"Yes Brittany" Fin said.

"We shouldn't have t say goodbye. Non of this would have happened if it wasn't for those jerks in school" Santana said angrily but everyone could see the tears in her eyes threatening to spill if she just let go enough.

"Let's just focus on Kurt okay? And let him know we are here right?" Sam said and everybody nodded. Santana grabbed Brittany's hand and the tears started to stream down her face.

"We love you so much Kurt" Rachel said and gently patted Kurt's arm.

"Yeah man. You can't do this to us. It's not fair." Puck said.

"Who am I gonna fight over solos with now?" Rachel cried with tears on her cheeks. "Please Kurt don't do this to us. Don't die. We need you okay. All of us. You are one of the first members remember? You can't just leave us now."

"You are my best friend Kurt" Mercedes whispered. "I can't live without you. I love so much." She couldn't cry anymore. The tears were long gone and replaced by a sharp pain in her chest which made it so hard to breathe.

"This sucks. How can we just say goodbye to him. It doesn't work like that"

"We just let him know how much we will miss him and how much we love him" Quinn said and it was the first thing she had said in a very long time. Her and Kurt had never been close but he had always been friendly towards her. Even when she was really mean to him. She couldn't believe she used to be like that to him. And she felt guilty about this. More guilty than any of her friends knew. All she wanted to say was sorry. Maybe it was to late for that now.

"I feel so guilty you know" Puck said and Quinn nodded relieved that Puck had been brave enough to bring up what she what she didn't dare to. "I used to be so mean to him. To through him into the dumpsters and call him name. And look were it got him"

"This isn't you man. It snot your fault and I was mean too remember. And I beat myself up too. But this is not our fault. We changed and we are his friends. It's their fault not ours" Finn said.

Sam nodded and added

"As long as I have known you you have been kind to him and Kurt knows that too"

"How are we gonna be able to just sit hear and say goodbye" Tina whispered and looked at Kurt in the bed.

There was no answer to the question. And no one said anything. This was so sad. At this point almost everyone had tears in their eyes and they stood closer together. Trying as best as they could to comfort each other. For a moment the only thing that could be heard in the room was the regular beeps of the machines in the room keeping Kurt alive.

"Maybe we should sing something" Rachel mumbled and looked at Mercedes and Finn "He would love that I think"

"Yeah but..." Tina answered and met Rachel's teary eyes with her one equally wet. "... I don't think I can. It's so sad"

"He deserves it" Rachel said "We should do this for him. We owe him that much and if..."

"You do it Rachel. Your the best" Finn said and hugged her tightly as she stood up. He took her seat and Brittany and Santana carefully sat o the side of Kurt's bed.

And then Rachel began to sing. Te first sing she and Kurt had ever dueled with.

_Defying gravity_

She sang it stronger and more powerful than ever with tears constantly running down her cheeks blinding her completely. But she kept singing with a strong voice until the very last words.

They left short after that everyone giving their last words of goodbye to their friend. Rachel was the last one to leave except for Finn and Mercedes. She took one of Kurt's hand and held it tight.

"Hi Kurt. It's Rachel. I just want you to know how much I love you okay. And I want you have this" She took out a small neck less Kurt had helped her pick on their first shopping day together. He had claimed it meant luck. Now he deserved to have it. She put it in his hand and closed it around the thin golden chain.

"I love you Kurt" She cried and leaned forward and kissed his forehead.

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**:)**


	10. Never let me go

**So here's the next chapter! I'm not happy with this but I it's needed for the next chapter. Hope you like it. Thanks again for reviews and response :) **

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Will came to the hospital several hours later. He had been busy all afternoon with classes and meetings but all he really had thought of was Kurt. Of course. It was hard to believe that one of his own kids had tried to killed himself. And now here he was trying to say goodbye to Kurt. He carefully nodded before entering the room where Mr Hummel sat on one of the chairs. The rest of the room was empty which probably meant Carole and Finn was in the cafeteria hiking for food. He cleared his voice before speaking.

"Mr Hummel?" He didn't expect his voice to turn out like that "Can I come in?"

Mr Hummel just nodded quietly and Will sat down beside him. They sat quiet for a couple of minutes before Mr Hummel spoke.

"Isn't it funny, only a day ago he kissed me goodbye at hour house. I didn't exactly think this would happen"

Will bit his lip and looked at Mr Hummel and then at the small boy in the bed. He took in all the machines and all the sounds.

"No one thought this would happen." Will said. "You couldn't have known either and it's not your fault"

"Yeah that's what everyone keeps telling me" Mr Hummel mumbles. "But it isn't their boy in here. I should have known. I should have seen it on his face"

"Mr Hummel. Believe me. If Kurt didn't want you to know there would be no way you could have. I promise"

"The doctors want me to kill him off" Mr Hummel interrupted. "To take him of the machines and let him go"

Will didn't answer on that. What was there to say?

"I can't do that. I can't let him go like that"

Will but his hands on Mr Hummels shoulders.

"I can't do that" Mr Hummel shaked his head violently "I can't let him go" He dried his eyes with the back of his hand.

"This wouldn't be killing him. It would be letting him go while in peace. To shorten the suffering. To relieve him from the pain. From this"

"He's fighting so hard. Even if gets worse every hour he hangs in there. The doctors say he should have died already. But he hasn't He's still with me so if you are here trying to convince me to let him go just like that. It won't happen. I'm not gonna do that. I can't..."

The words came out in painful sobs that racked Mr Hummel's body as he cried. Will took the older man in his arms and held him while his own tears fell freely.

"I know..." He said softly. "I know and Kurt knows that to. But he needs to know you will be okay. He needs to know that so that he can let go..."

Mr Hummel shaked his head.

"But I can't say goodbye...I love him too much. I'll be alone"

"You won't be alone...and I know you love him more than anything else in the world. But you need to let him go..."

Mr Hummel looked at him with tearfilled eyes. Then he looked at his son.

He nodded slowly

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**Review please :)**


	11. Fix you

**Not much to say about this one. You might need a tissue! **

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Finn and Carole came back and took their seat's but Burt wouldn't notice. He just kept looking at his son. The son that instead of being full of life just lay there still and unresponsive to any of his words. Mr Shue was right. This was not what Kurt wanted. Kurt didn't want to have to fight for a life he had already lost a long time ago. Only because Burt couldn't accept. Because Burt loved him to a point were it hurt too much. Only because Burt was afraid he wouldn't be able to move, to breathe, if Kurt died.

It wasn't fair. Non of it was. You were not supposed to lose your wife in a car accident that would hunt your son for the rest of his life. You were not supposed to be bullied for being gay. And you were certainly not supposed to have a son taking a bunch of pills because he wanted to die. No. That was not fair. And it shouldn't happen. Burt was so angry with Kurt for this. For doing this. He wanted to yell and punish and scream. He knew though there wasn't anyone to blame except for the truly evil persons who had made his sons life a living hell. Every day. For months.

Now his son wasn't his to have anymore.

This wasn't Kurt's fault and if Kurt needed his permission to die... He would give it to him. Kurt deserved that.

The room was so silent.

"I think we should let him go" He said, surprised that his voice hadn't cracked already. That he hadn't cracked.

His wife nodded. Smiling sadly. Finn just looked past him and started to shake. Carole tried to comfort him by putting her arms around him but he wouldn't let her.

"No" It was barely a breath.

"Finn, we need to do what is best for him" Carole said softly. "He's suffering"

Finn stood up and ran out of the room. Burt watched him collapse in the corridor outside and he could hear the loud sobs escaping Finn's mouth.

"It's the right thing to do honey" Carole whispered and he knew she was right. Only he knew he would never be prepared for this. "It will be okay" She continued. She kissed him before she got out of the door and sat down beside her sobbing son.

"Hey buddy..." Burt whispered and took Kurt's hand I his. "I...I'm so sorry baby" tears rolled down his face again "I love you so much" He stroke Kurt's pale cheek "You have been so brave Kurt. I'm so proud of you. I know you are hurting. And it's okay if you don't want to fight anymore"

He ran his hands through Kurt's brown hair.

"I know you have done the best that you could do...and it's okay...I won't be mad at you. I know you are fighting for me Kurt but you don't have to do that anymore...okay?"

He leaned down and kissed Kurt's forehead.

Kurt died that night. They all waited for it to happen. Finn with his head lying in his mothers lap. She gently stroke his hair in silence.

Around midnight machines started to beep and blink and the doctors only said what they already knew. It wouldn't take long now. Finn closed his eyes and tried to breathe properly. Carole continued to stroke her son's hair while she spoke softly to him before meeting her husband's eyes.

He didn't say anything. Didn't cry. He just held his son's hand extra hard. The ventilator was removed and all the machines shut off except for the heart monitor. The needles were carefully removed from Kurt's arms and the doctors made sure there was no pain before leaving the room with sad expressions in their eyes.

There was a raspy sound when Kurt tried to breathe but other then that everything was silent. Burt carefully lay down on the bed beside Kurt and held him in his arms. Held him tight. Carole went to stand beside the bed. She didn't cry anymore. She was just, calm.

Finn wanted to be able to move too but he just lay on the to chairs with tears silently streaming down his face and arms wrapped around himself. He saw through his dimmed eyes how Burt held Kurt in his strong arms. Burt didn't cry anymore either. He just kept speaking to his son.

"I love you Kurt. More than anything else in the word. It's okay to let go I'm here. I won't leave you. Don't be afraid..."

The beeps got slower and Burt leaned towards his son until his face touched Kurt. He kept still like that.

" I'm here buddy. Don't be scared. It's okay. Everything will be okay..." he whispered

More raspy sounds as Kurt choked

Soon all this would be over

"Sch... I'm here...I'm here...It's okay baby. Dad's here. I love you...Don't be afraid Kurt. I'm here...I love you"

He closed his eyes and kissed Kurt's hand

_Seconds later it's all over. A whimper escapes Finn's mouth and then only silence _

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**_Please _****dont kill me! Did I mention how amazing "the break up" was? Watched "Don't speak" ten times. Loooove it. Anyway back to the story. Don't kill me please. This was unfortunately Kurt's faith in this one :( **


	12. Don't speak

**Hello! I'm so sorry for the slow update but I was busy during the weekend and my head was somewhere else. Anyway Thank you for not killing me. It was hard to let Kurt go but it had to be done since I am a little bit tired of all the stories where a character is dying and doomed but survives anyway somehow. Not that it's wrong with that but I wished there could be more fics about deaths. My next story though I promise won't be the end of Kurt. If you promise you'll read. Anyway. Next chapter is up.. I hope you will like it. Decided to go with Finn and that's probably what I will stick to the rest of the story. Maybe some Burt and defiantly at last some new directions. But I find him the easiest person to write. Um I'm just gonna stop talking now ;) Enjoy! **

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They left the hospital a couple of hours later. It was raining, not so much they had to run or have an umbrella on their way to the car, just raining. A soft rain barely audible from inside the car. When Finn was little and he was in the car when it rained he would watch the raindrops making their way down the window. Even make bets on which won would win. Sometimes he did it even as a teenager.

Carole was driving with Burt half lying in the back seat. He had stared to cry a again and now he didn't seem to be able to stop. Finn wanted him to stop but Carole just gave him angry stares when he attempted to say something. He turned on the music instead and tried to block out the sobs from behind his back.

Of course the ride home took twice as long as normal. Or at least that was what it felt like. Finn couldn't wait to get out of the car. Maybe outside he would be able to breathe without feeling like he was suffocating. The Lima roads was empty as they made there way home. Kurt's navigator was still parked in the parking lot. Carole would get it as soon as she had a chance to leave the house.

What would happen now? Should Finn go to school tomorrow? Like usual. Or did that not apply when someone had died. Someone close to you. Like your brother. Even if it wasn't your real brother. Finn didn't want to go there ever again.

Finally Carole stopped the car and Finn was out before she had turned of the engine. He fumbled with the key and was in his room before Carole had mange to get Burt out of the car. He could here them in the kitchen. Carole talked about tea. Maybe Burt needed some tea? Huh? No?

Finn sat down on his bed and noticed the envelope sitting on the bed stand. His name was written on it with Kurt's neat handwriting. Before he could change his mind he put the envelope in his bottom drawer and swore he would never read it. If Kurt thought he could explain things with a stupid letter then he was fucking wrong. It wouldn't exactly make things better, make them okay. It wouldn't make him come back. Yet he couldn't throw it away. It seamed wrong. He lay down on the bed and bulled he's knees to his chest, waiting to fall asleep. Maybe this was a nightmare after all? In the other room Burt and Carole seamed to be in bed too. Burt had stopped crying and Finn was thankful for that. He didn't need the crying to remind him on what was going on.

"Why Kurt?" Finn mumbled before he closed his eyes and fell asleep.

It was still dark when he woke up again. He didn't know why he had woke up. Clearly not his alarm clock. Then it hit him hard again, Kurt was dead. From Kurt's room he could hear a soft noise. Someone was in there. Finn got out of bed to see who it was even though there was only one person who it could really be. Finn watched as Burt sat on Kurt's bed with a photo of Kurt in on hand and Kurt's pillow on his lap. He didn't hear Finn as he stood there silently watching so Finn decided to walk down the stairs to the kitchen instead. The light in the refrigerator felt bright on his face and he squinted to be able to see something at all. He decided on milk with cornflakes and ate in the dark.

"Finn honey?" Finn jumped at the unexpected voice of his mom. She stood in the doorway in her dressing gown. Finn looked down in his cereal bowl before answering.

"Didn't mean to wake you" He said without meeting her eyes. She sat down beside him and smiled sadly.

"You didn't Burt, He's in Kurt's room. He won't go to sleep. I think we need to give him some time honey"

Finn nodded.

"How are you? You hungry?"

Finn shrugged. Honestly was he hungry? He wasn't anything at the moment. Not hungry, not tired not sad, not anything, just empty.

"Why do you think he did it mom? Why didn't he ask for help? We could have helped!"

"I don't know Finn. He...we can't know why. He just did. It's not your fault. We just need to be strong and stay together"

"How?" Finn wondered "How can we get through this?"

He had so many questions and he waned answers on them. Demanded answers.

"We will babe, I promise." Carole said and took her son's hand in hers. He leaned on her shoulder and they sat quiet for minutes just like that. It felt good. She was strong when he wasn't but he knew she was hurting too. But this was her role. To be strong for everyone else. Finn wished he could be the strong on for once.

"Mom?" Finn whispered into the dark.

"Yeah?"

"Can you make be a sandwich, you now with cheese and ham and everything?"

"Of course honey" She kissed her son's forehead and gave his arm a small tug before making her way to the refrigerator.

Upstairs they could hear uncontrollable sobs from Kurt's room...

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**Review please and I will update real soon ;) xx**


	13. Until we bleed

**Next chapter is up ad I hope you're all good :) thanks for your respons Xx **

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How they mange to make it through the next days Finn didn't knew. Burt was spending his time either in Kurt's room or lying in his own bed staring like a maniac in to the wall. He would only come down to eat dinner that kind neighbours kept bringing even though Carole said it wasn't necessary. That she could cook by herself. The meals were always quiet. Finn couldn't think of food with out the urge to throw up so he just sat there playing with his fork until Burt had finished his meal and returned to his zombie staring into the wall. His mom would leave the kitchen shortly after that pretending not to be too sad and Finn would be sitting there. Guilty for not being able to eat. For not being able to try hard enough. He could see it in his mom's eyes. The desperation to keep the family together but Finn didn't do anything to help. And Burt. Burt just kept living in denial lying there like he was the dead one. It made Finn angry and if that wasn't enough Mercedes wouldn't stop calling or visit. He would invite her for Kurt's sake but all she did was crying and talking about how much she missed her best friend. And it wasn't much Finn could do about that. Because Kurt was dead.

Finn didn't know what felt worse. Having Mercedes constantly wanting to talk or share memories that he wasn't ready for yet or having Burt lying I his bed all day leaving Finns mom to handle everything. Finn couldn't handle it anymore

He didn't think it would be this hard going to school again. Puck gave him a ride that morning and Finn was glad he didn't have to go by himself.

"You alright dude?" Puck asked when they stood in front of the school building.

Finn nodded even though he was terrified.

"Mercedes came back only yesterday."

Finn nodded again before he made his way into the main corridor. And it was like everyone stopped by then. Only being able to focus on him. Looking at him as he tried to make his way to his locker. They would turn around pretended they didn't but he felt the stares anyway.

"Ignore them" Puck whispered and for once he seemed to be very capable of saying the right thing.

"Thanks man. It's hard to you now. It's like everything is just the same and no one even care"

Puck sighed. Before putting a brotherly hand on Finns back to guide him trough the corridors

"You know that all the teachers made announcements on Kurt's death on first period the morning after he...anyway I guess people decided to show there respect by..." He stopped because now Finn could see it with his own eyes.

Kurt's locker and the entire floor in front of it was completely covered with flowers, candles and stuffed animals of all kinds. Right in the middle of it all someone had put a picture of Kurt from last year year book. The one that Kurt hated so much he had forbidden Burt to put it up. Finn didn't know what to think. All he wanted was to run away. Coming to school was a mistake, one he wouldn't do anytime soon. He could feel Pucks and on his back again as he turned to walk away.

"Dude whats wrong?" Puck said and sounded utterly confused. Like he didn't understand a thing.

"What's wrong?" Finn spat. "Really Puckerman?"

He turned to leave but Puck was faster and blocked his way.

"They did this to him and now they get to pretend that they care. They get to put flowers and candles and stuffed animals and photos like they care" Finn said loudly and all the others students nearby stopped what ever they where doing and they all stared at him with wide eyes.

"Let's go elsewhere huh?" Puck said and dragged Finn away before he could hurt anyone. "The others are waiting for us in the auditorium, we thought maybe you didn't feel like facing anyone else"

Finn nodded and let Puck drag him along and just as Puck had said all the others where waiting for him. Even Mercedes. Rachel got up immediately and run up to hug him. He let her but stood there stiff as she embraced him. It felt good though and he had missed her a lot these past days,

"I missed you so much" She whispered and kissed him softly.

"Missed you to" He answered and took her hand as they made their way back to the stage where the others were sitting. It was nice to be with them even tough they all looked at him with concerned eyes.

"Hey guys..." He started "...sorry I didn't text you back. It was just really intense"

They all nodded. Understood.

"How are you doing?" Quinn asked

"I don't know" Finn answered honest. "It's all weird. Burt I not doing anything but lying in his bed all day. And my mom tries to make everything work..."

"If there's anything we can do, let us know" Artie said and all the others nodded in agreement before they all went awkwardly silent and tried not to look at Finn. He felt like he was the animal at the zoo though and he regretted coming to school at all. Maybe he should have stayed home a day longer. But with the situation at home that wasn't an option either.

"Look I appreciate you being here for me but I really need to get to class now" Finn mumbled and hurried to leave before the others could react.

He ran up the stairs and out of the auditorium without waiting for someone to catch up but when he stopped in the corridor he felt a small hand on his shoulder. When he turned around Rachel stood in front of him with teary eyes.

"Finn please?" She said sadly "We only want to help you, all of us. And I think it would be good for you to talk. I bet Merce..."

"Rachel I don't care about that right now. So she wants to talk. She has been calling me every single day several times. And I can't handle her. I can't handle anyone right now. And if you all want to talk,just do that but leave me alone"

"Finn this isn't helping..." Rachel said with a calm voice.

"Just don't Rachel..."

More tears fell on her beautiful cheeks but Finn didn't wipe them away. Instead he just shrugged and turned around. He could hear her call his name but he just kept walking until he reached Mr Shue's office. He sat behind his desk but as soon as he hard the door open he looked up and got up as soon as he saw Finn.

"Finn hi. How are you? I didn't expect you to be hear so soon. How's everything at home?"

"Honestly I don't know" Finn said and took a step away from Mr Shue as the teacher tried to hug him.

"I'm here if you want to talk" Mr Shue said

Finn looked down and swallowed before he spoke

"I want to quit Glee club..."

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**Let me now what you think :) **


	14. You're all I have

**Sorry about the slow update but I have lots of things going on right now. And I seam to have lost some of my motivation for this story. I try really hard to write but It's hard. Not too many chapters left and I hope there's at least some of you left who stil reads this. Anyway here's the next chapter. Not the best I wrote but I will shape up until the next one. I promise :) **

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Mercedes sat still while her mother braided her hair in one simple french braid. Normally she would never wear a braid but today was not normal. It was Sunday the 21 of October and today was Kurt's funeral. She looked at her black dress and wondered weather Kurt would be satisfied with her choice of clothes for the day. They had all helped to plan the funeral. Mostly Carole and the New directions but Mr Shue had helped and even Burt had been very keen on having his saying in the planing even though he sometimes recoiled to be an empty shell. Finn was the only one who refused and ever since his first they back in school he had turned angrier and angrier. Mercedes knew he felt guilty. Mercedes felt guilty too and she blamed herself more than anyone ever knew. If she only had kept asking even though Kurt had refused to answer. If only she had forced him to talk to say something. But no matter how much she blamed herself it was to late now and today was the day when she was attending her best friend's funeral.

The ride to the church was quiet and no one spoke a word before Puck stopped the car in the parking lot and turned off the engine.

"So this is it I guess" He said quietly as he opened the door and got out of the car.

He opened the back seat door and helped Mercedes out by offering her a hand. It felt warm in hers but she let go of it as soon as she was out of the car.

It was a small service just like they all had agreed on and on any other day Mercedes would find the church beautiful. Now she could barely focus as she made her way to her seat to the tunes of the song they all had agreed on. Memories overpowered her and the tears flowed down her cheeks.

_I miss you Kurt _

_I miss you so much that it hurts_

_Can you hear that?_

_I love you_

Somewhere, someone held her hand guiding her to a seat, holding on to her. Otherwise maybe she would fall to the ground and not being able to stand up.

The song came to a stop and someone began to speak but she didn't listen. She wouldn't hear a word of the sad words spoken.

She sat there through the songs they were all meant to be singing not being able to sing one single word.

Her mother had told her that funeral were meant to be a goodbye, They were meant to be beautiful but Mercedes knew one thing.

This wasn't beautiful.

The roses covering Kurt's white coffin weren't beautiful and neither was the candles nor the songs.

Nor the photo of Kurt smiling at her

The sun shining through the church window wasn't beautiful and she couldn't even think Rachel singing "Tears in heaven" was beautiful because it wasn't. Non of this.

Death wasn't beautiful

And funerals certainly wasn't beautiful at all. They were just horrible and sad and heartbreaking and leaving her unable to breathe.

Why hadn't anyone told her how much it would hurt?

_I love you_

Mercedes looked around. Saw all her friends sitting beside her. All of Kurt's friends. In front of her Burt sat along with Carole and Finn. The man's shoulders were shaking as cried violently. The sobs echoed on the stone walls.

There was nothing beautiful about death.

Just plain emptiness of those left behind, and it hurt.

God it hurt.

_To my bestfriend_

_They say heaven is a better place than earth _

_and maybe it is_

_But I miss everything about you_

_and I want to hold your hand _

_Don't go were I can't follow_

_I want to hold your hand _

_I miss you so much that it hurts to breathe_

_Until the day we can reunite _

_I will hold on to your heart just like a used to hold your hand_

_I love you _


	15. Wish I didn't miss you

**Yay a fast update. I'm proud of myself. This time I couldn't stop writing but well that's just good I guess ;) So I hope you will like it. **

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Finn took his own car to school that day. It felt weird and empty without Kurt in the passenger side. He turned on the music and turned the volume up so high he could barley concentrate on driving. Parts of him wished he could just lose control of his car and crash right into a house or a rock or anything that would make him die too.

Maybe he had been stupid to think that things would be easier after the funeral but that wasn't the case. It hurt just the same every day.

He pulled up at there normal parking spot and got out of the car. He was a little early and not many students had turned up yet. He grabbed his books in his locker and headed towards the classroom walking through the almost empty corridors. Kurt's locker was still decorated with flowers and teddy bears. And people seamed to add things everyday. Though Finn didn't like to stop and look at it. He didn't like the idea of people getting to send out their love for Kurt when all they had ever done was making Kurt's life hell. And those who didn't just silently watched and that was just as bad.

Finn sat down in front of the piles with flowers. Looked at them. He looked at all the notes people had left for Kurt.

"How could you do this?" He whispered to himself.

One note stood out and it caught his eyes just as he was about raise. It was small and tucked in under on of the candles barely noticeable but it caught his eyes anyway and without hesitation he took it in his hands and read.

_I'm sorry_

He read it again and again and again

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

He felt bile raise in his throat and stood up fast, his foot accidentally knocking down the framed photo of Kurt. The frame shattered in hundreds of pieces and he his hands shook as he tried to pick them up and he ended up cutting himself in the palm. The pain hit him and made his way through his body but he wouldn't stop. He felt a hand on his shoulder and someone dragged him, made him stand up. He tried to get away but the hands was too strong wait no it was more than one person. Two?

"Let me go!"

"No just calm down dude"

Dude. Puck.

"Finn it's okay"

Sam

"No I have to fix this, I have to throw this away." He looked at the mess he had created on the floor in front of him. "Let me throw this away"

"No"

Lots of students were standing by now. They just watched the scene in front of them without interrupted, without doing anything, just like they used to watch Kurt being bullied. He met there eyes, saw their empty faces in front of him. It wasn't fair that they got to stand here with empty faces, pretending that they cared. Not when Burt lay I his bed all day not being able to do anything besides staying alive, not when half of the glee club couldn't even walk past Kurt's locker or sit next to his empty chair in the choir room without crying. Not when Finn would walk around this place with nothing but anger burning inside him. He had been trying to fight it for so long now but he couldn't do it anymore. So he let go and lashed out.

He elbowed Sam in the face causing the blond to let go and after that it was easy to break loose from Puck's iron tight grip and before the others could react he had kicked hos foot through the heaps of flowers o the floor and they flew across the floor along with the candles, notes and stuffed animals. People looked chocked. He stopped and looked at them before screaming..

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT HUH?" He patted "I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY WITH YOURSELVES CAUSE THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. YOU DID THIS TO HIM. IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT. YOU HEAR THAT. YOU DID THIS"

He didn't stop screaming as Puck and Sam had recovered enough and was now dragging him away from the crowed.

"NO LET ME GO. LET ME GO I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU ALLT. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT"

He tried to kick them away but now they were a lot stronger then him and he was forced to follow them where ever they were taking him. He wasn't surprised when he later found himself in the locker room and forced to sit down As he tried to leave Puck simply pushed him back again.

"Dude whats going on?" He said and crouched in front of Finn

"Don't"

"No stop it Finn" Sam said angrily "You have ingored us ever since it happened and we try to help you"

"Well I don't need your help" Finn said and refused to meet his friends eyes. "I'm fine I just need some time it's all so leave me the hell alone"

"Dude, you...you need us. Look at your self and was what that all abut. In the corridor? You don't lash out on people like that"

"Well normally people aren't such hippocrates either" He mumbled "Why don't you even care anyway"?

"We care because you are our friend and because Kurt was our friend. And we miss him too. But doing this is not helping Finn. You have to let us help you. You are scaring us right now" Sam said

"Well I'm fine so just leave me alone and stop asking questions. You know nothing about this"

Sam looked at him and sighed

"Just listen. I know it's hard for you being here and I can't even imagine what it is like for you and Burt and your mom. But I know that this is not what Kurt would ave wanted..."

_Kurt_

_Kurt who chose to kill himself not caring about what would happen after. Kurt who had caused all hi friends and family so much pain since he chose to ed his life leaving some one else to pck up the pieces. _

"Screw him" Finn said and looked Puck straight into the eyes.

"What?" Puck said confused

"Well Screw him" Finn said "Screw what he would have wanted. This is all his fault"

"You don't mean that Finn..." Puck started but Finn interrupted again

"I do. It is his fault Puck. He chose this even if he knew what it would do to people. He didn't think about anybody but himself so why should I suddenly start to think about what he wanted huh?"

"Finn I'm sure Kurt would..."

"NO. Don't. I hate him for doing this to us. I hate him for being so selfish. It is his fault. Burt is slowly dying and he wont do anything and my mum is about to turn the same And Mercedes and Rachel. I hate him for this. I hate him."

_I hate him_

His friends was too chocked to do anything when he stood up and left. They didn't follow him as he ran out of school and to his car. He started the engine and drove home faster than he had ever driven. He barely stopped the engine before he got out of the car ran into the house and up the stairs. He barley stopped to have a look into the master bedroom he just continued to Kurt's room where he finally came to a stop.

He stood quiet in the room and looked around. Everything was clean and tidy just as always. The bed made and all the clothes hanging in the wardrobe. The only thing out of place was Kurt's Ipod lying on the desk by the window. Finn took it in his hands and squeezed it hard.

"I hate you" He mumbled

"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you." He said a bit louder with every word

"YOU HEAR THAT KURT?" I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR THIS. FOR DOING THIS TO US."

The Ipod flew trough the room and hit the wall on the other side of the room and think sank down on the floor with his his back leaning on the bed. For the first time since it happened, he cried.

"I hate you Kurt, why did you do this?"

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**So Finn is in a very dark place right know with a lot of anger going on. I kind of figured that is how he would have reacted. Hopefully he will let someone help him sooner rather than later. Please let me know what you think. Your just let me know if anyone is still reading :) xx**


	16. I'm sorry

**Yay another update :) These past days I have been reading so many incredible fics that I have forgotten to write my own one. But anyway here we are and I have decided to have two more chapters. Haha well I wouldn't believe it until I see it if a were you. But I have so many ideas in my head on new ones. And just started on my new job which is so exciting right now. Anyway. Two more chapters with this story. I'm so happy that so many of you have read it and it means so much to me that you are and that you review and that you honestly like this story and what I'm writing. And I hope you will like this chapter too. And I hope you will find it less heartbreaking then then the others. I did but on the other hand I'm the one in control here. And I am a bit evil as we all know :) But I have a heart. Somewhere. I think. A robot heart. Eh yeah so just enjoy :) **

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"We need to do something guys" Puck said as he stood infront of his friends. They all nodded.

It was Glee and everyone except for Finn was there. He hadn't been around since he left the locker room the day before. No one had even heard from him. Not even Rachel.

"You should have seen him yesterday" Puck continued "He was out of control. And he said... he"

He got quiet for a few seconds.

"What did he say Puck?" Rachel asked worriedly. "Maybe I should try to call him again..."

"No Rachel I don't think that's a good idea" Sam said as he stood up.

"Guys Finn said he...he's angry with everybody right ow and he said something, he, he was just so angry" Sam said not wanting to say it out load.

"Just spit it out already" Santana said

"Okay. He said he hated Kurt for doing this" Puck mumbled and looked down.

The choir room went quiet and when he looked up again some of his friends had tears in his eyes. Mr Shue but a hand on Puck's shoulder. He looked around the room and looked at all his students. The sudden tragedy of their friend's death was visible on their tired and worn out faces.

"But he didn't mean it right?" Tina whispered and cleared her unsteady voice "I mean he's just angry. His been angry for a while now."

Mr Shue nodded.

"That's right Tina. And I think what Finn needs the most right now is his friends being there to support him. And I think that will help you too. We are all grieving and it is important that we stick together."

"But he doesn't want our help, Mr Shue" Puck said

"I think he doesn't think he does but friends are important and he have to show him we are his friends and that we care about him no matter what."

"Mr Shue is right" Rachel said "I have an idea, Could I please use the board?"

– –

Finn stayed home all day. He just didn't feel like going to school because after his little stunt in the hallway people would not leave him alone. That was for sure. And he didn't need their sad faces and weirdness around him right now. He just wanted to be by himself no one bothering him. His mom had gone to work that they since Finn was gonna stay home and they really needed some money. Burt had actually been a little less distanced and had moved from his bed to sitting in the sofa watching tv all day. He still didn't say much but it was something.

Finn had spent all night in Kurt's room sleeping on the bed with his face deep down in one of Kurt's pillows. When he woke up someone had but a blanket around him. No he sat on the floor in Kurt's walk in closet surrounded by memories. Normally he didn't really pay attention t what his brother was wearing other than that he would never even think about wearing those clothes himself. But now he seamed to remember every piece Kurt ever had worn.

He sighed as he took down the clothes from the hangers and folded them as neatly as he could, before he put them in the boxes he had gathered from the attic. Maybe Burt would be pissed when he noticed was Finn was doing but Fin knew if he didn't do this now, no one would do it anytime soon. And they needed it done. He pressed on of Kurt's cardigan tightly to his chest. Kurt had worn that the first time him and Finn had had a real brotherly talk. He put his to his nose and inhaled Kurt's smell. The smell of perfectly chosen cologne and skin lotion hit him and made all sorts of memories come back to him. He closed his eyes and held on to them.

"Finn what are you doing in here?"

Finn turned around and jumped abit as Burt stood in the doorway and looked at him. He looked then years older since he hadn't shaved or showered in days he looked more like a homeless man than his normal self. But at least he looked alive. Finn dropped the cardigan to the floor.

"I'm sorry Burt, I didn't I should hav asked you but...I couldn't. I needed."

Burt didn't seam to listen because he just took a step into the room and took out a pair of jeans. He held them up so that Fin could see them. They were skinny and Finn couldn't believe someone could be able to wear them.

"These was the first pair of jeans he bought after he started to work in the garage. I thought it was a waist of money to buy something that expensive but boy was he happy, and proud and we would wear them every day for two weeks"

He sighed and but the jeans in one of the opened boxes and at the same time grabbed he cardigan that Finn had dropped hand handed it over to the younger man.

"I have been thinking about all this. How it would be to just back his things in to boxes and put them in the garage. And I didn't want to because that would mean it's all real. That he's truly gone."

"We can wait if you want to" Finn said and looked at Burt who shook his head.

"No it needs to be done... I'm glad you are here to help Finn. You was a great friend to him. A great brother too.

Finn shook his head and sat down on the floor. Still clutching the cardigan in his hand. Burt slowly sat down beside him.

"I just feel like a could have done more. Ask more and protect him. I knew it was bad. But I didn't do anything. And I have been so angry with everybody. With you and all the glee kids. I mean they were Kurts friends but they couldn't do anything. They didn't stop this from happening even if they knew. And all the others in school who either bullied him or just watched. I want to kill those people for what they did but that's not gonna change anything. Because Kurt is still gone..." Finn said "And I'm so angry with him for that. And I hate him for that. I hate him for leaving us. But most of all I hate myself..."

The tears streamed down his face again. He had thought he was down crying that the tears was gone but they seamed to keep coming.

"Why Finn?" Burt said softly

"I'm his brother...I should have protected him. I should have been there for him That's what brothers are for but I couldn't do it. I couldn't even keep him safe and now his gone. And that's why I hate myself" He said with an unsteady voice.

Burt reached out and put an arm around Finns shoulders.

"I know...Finn I know. You did the best you could do. And I don't blame you for this. No one is. No one is"

"It's just...god I'm so sorry Burt, I'm so sorry...so sorry" He wrapped his arms around his step fathers neck and cried into his shoulder and Burt let him. He just wrapped his arms around Finn's back while his own tears were running down his cheeks.

"Sch..it's okay...sch it's okay" He whispered. "It's alright everything will be alright"

And that's how they sat for a while surrounded by the clothes and memories of their lost one. Maybe they would be okay. Someday.

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**Let me know what you think :) **


	17. Goodbye my lover

**Okay not may chapters left and I have decided this is gonna be the second last :) so one more chapter to go. I have to say this thoguh. I hate this chapter big time but I will make it up to you and myself with the next one ;) I hope. Anyway. For my next stry I promise you there will be lots of Klaine and lots of Furt since they are my favorite pairings in glee. And I might also go down the fluffy road were death is a crime. **

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Two days later Finn still found him in Kurt's room trying to putting all his things in to boxes. Apparently the whole packing thing was a lot harder than he had thought it would be. With all the memories it brought up. The closet had been the hardest one since he knew how much those clothes had meant for Kurt. No they all were neatly folded and but I to several boxes already in the garage. Burt hadn't figured if he should keep them or give them away. It was a relief that Burt wasn't so utterly sad anymore. Finn new he was still completely lost without his son but he had actually started to live again. He participated in the meals and even if Finn still barley could eat it was a lot nicer when they sat together talking. The silence had killed him but now he felt like he was on his way to feel okay.

There was not much things to pack now, the bed was still there and the desk but they had decided that they should keep it that way. Kurt would probably not have liked the idea of his room being completely useless anyway. And until they knew what to do they just kept it with the furniture.

Finn sighed as he looked at the photos on the wall above Kurt's desk. He didn't have many. Only a few that meant a lot to him. A picture of Kurt and his mom in a small boat. Toddler Kurt with his dad "helping" his father with a car. There was a picture of Kurt and Mercedes from a photo boot. And then there was the picture of them. The whole family taken at Burt's and Carole's wedding. Carole in her beautiful dress with tears in her eyes, Burt smiling with his whole face holding his a arm around his wife's waist. On his side Kurt stood with a hand on his father's shoulder. He looked happy too. Finn stood beside his mom in his black ….. that Kurt had helped him pick. Or more insisted he should wear.

From downstairs he could hear someone at the door and seconds later talking. He recognized Rachel's voice as she spoke to Burt. Five minutes later he heard her walk up the stairs and he turned around to face her.

"Hi..."

She stepped in to the room and looked around.

"Hey" he answered and hugged her tightly. "I missed you"

"I missed you too" She said and stood her tipy toes and kissed him.

"So you are packing his things, do you need any help?"

he shook his head.

"No, it's fine." He said ad sat down on the bed. "I didn't think it would be this hard though" he continued.

Rachel nodded and joined him on the bed. They sat quiet for a while.

"Anyway. I talked to Burt and we really want you, him and your mom to come to the auditorium. There's something we want to do"

"What? Who?"

"The glee kids. We know you have had a hard time recently and that you don't want our help but this. We just want you to be there"

Finn nodded.

"So like when?"

"Like now. I just got here to get you. The others are already there."

"I don't know Rachel"

"Please Finn give us a chance and we wont bother you again. Besides your mom and Burt already said yes and they are waiting in the car. Please Finn if not for you or me. For Kurt? I think he would have wanted this?"

Finn hesitated and looked out in the room. His eyes caught the picture from the wedding. He looked at Kurt who smiled and was so happy. He nodded.

"Good" Rachel said and took his hand. "Come on, you won't change your mind"

Half an hour later Finn sat in one of the seats in the auditorium. Burt and Carole sat on either side of him and he could feel his mom's hand on his knee. The stage in front of him was dark and he wondered what the glee club was up to. The lights went on and Mercedes and Rachel stood in the middle of the stage hand in hand. Both dressed in similar dresses in navy blue. Mercedes raised the mic to her mouth and spoke.

"Almost a month ago my best friend decided to kill himself. And he left us with questions we won't get answers to, an emptiness we cannot fill. It's been a hard time for all of us but especially for you, his family."

"And we want to show you just how much we love Kurt and that we always will be here for you no matter what" Rachel finished just in time for the music to start.

Finn immediately recognized it. And he smiled sadly as the rest of the glee club slowly entered the stage and Artie started to sing the lyrics Finn knew by heart.

_When you try your best, but you don't succeed  
When you get what you want, but not what you need  
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep  
Stuck in reverse_

Then Sam stepped in and sang

_And the tears come streaming down your face  
When you lose something you can't replace  
When you love someone, but it goes to waste  
Could it be worse?_

And Tina

_Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you_

Mercedes with tears in her eyes but her voice as beautiful as ever

_And high up above or down below  
When you're too in love to let it go  
But if you never try you'll never know  
Just what you're worth_

The memories kept coming as the son went on and Finn held his mothers hand tight. She had tears in her eyes but she smiled when she looked at him.

_Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you_

Just as everybody was about to start to sing a huge screen lit up and different videos of Kurt recorded by someone in the glee club played in the background

_Tears stream down on your face  
When you lose something you cannot replace  
Tears stream down on your face  
And I..._

In the background Kurt was smiling at him, laughing at something, he was happy in the video

_Tears stream down on your face  
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes  
Tears stream down on your face  
And I..._

And the song ended with his gorgeous girlfriend looking right into his eyes as she sang the last words

_Lights will guide you __home__  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you_

Finn felt the tears streaming down his face as the song came to an end and he squeezed his mom's hand extra tight

There were more songs and Finn found him both laughing smiling and crying as he watched his friends sing and dance.

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**Hm decided to go with a mainstream song but the others songs I love either didn't fit in or are in swedish. And that wouldn't make any sense to you at all. And since I love love love fix you with all my heart and it reminds me of a dear friend of mine here we are.**


	18. Defying gravity

**I didn't plan to write this to night but I got into this flow where it was easy so I decided to post this now too. This is the first time I have cried writing this story because I don't usually do that. As I said before this is the last chapter and with that I want to thank all of you who have read, reviewed and subscribed. It means the world to me. It really does. And I hope you will follow any other story I write which I promise will be less depressing. Anyway this is it. The last chapter ad I hope you will like it and that you liked the story. It wasn't easy to write but that's not what I wanted either. **

**Lots of love to you all Xxx**

* * *

Finn was surprised that he actually felt better after the glee clubs little concert. He hadn't expected and he had only agreed on going because he wanted to make his mom happy. And because he knew how much effort his friends had put into this. And it was so nice to finally be out in the blue with the tears. To not be alone.

And god he had cried and he had ached so much but his friends had been there and his mom and Burt hand been there to. And everyone had cried. They had held each others hands and he had realized he had been stupid and selfish before. That they all missed hurt all the same. Burt missed his son and so did Carole. Mercedes and Rachel missed their best friend. And all the other glee kids missed one of their own a friend. And Finn missed his brother and his friend. Because Kurt had been both to him.

Burt and Carole went to bed when they came come but Finn couldn't sleep yet. There was something he needed to do first. Quietly he made his way up the stairs and to his room. His hands fumbled through the darkness and found what he was looking for. Found the drawer and found the letter. Kurt's letter. The letter that he swore he would never read but not manged to throw away. Now he had it in his hands. His hands closed around the the envelope wanting to read it in a safe place.

A five minute ride with the car and he was there. The graveyard. If there was any place he was gonna read it it was gonna be next to where Kurt was. Or at least where his body was. They had placed him next to his mom but with his own stone. Heart shaped even though Kurt probably would have snorted at the thought. Finn sat down on the cold ground by the stone. He lit on of the candles he had brought and the light danced in front of his eyes.

_Kurt Hummel _

_Son, Brother and friend_

_Forever loved, forever missed _

Finns finger follows the inscription

"Hi little brother" He whispered.

The light from the candle is barley enough for him to be able to read.

_Finn _

_When you read this I will be dead. Or at least that's what I hope. There's not much to live for me anymore and I don't need you to understand. I don't expect you to. This is for the best. And you will realize it too, and when you do, it will be okay. But I need you to know Finn. It's not your fault. I know you will blame yourself so I will say it again. It's not your fault. You were a great friend and a perfect brother for me and I couldn't have asked for someone better. I love you with all my heart but sometimes that's not enough. You need to understand that I don't want to leave you or dad or Carole or my friends. I just don't want to live anymore. _

_Please don't be mad. Sometimes people are too broken to be repaired and I am on of those persons. I stopped living a long time ago and I haven't been happy in a long time. Nothing can make it change. Not you, or dad or the glee club. There's nothing you could have done and I'm sorry. I tried, I did. _

_You need to move on. You will have a better life without me. And so will dad. You have each other and I know that Carole will take care of him. And he loves her as much as he loved my mother. And he will love you as much as he loved me. He just need some time. Please look after him Finn. He will need you. Look after Mercedes too. Tell her I love her. Make sure she is okay. _

_I'm not going to ask you for more I only have one more request. But I do understand if you can't. Don't hate me for this. You might want to hate me but please try. Try not to hate me. It's all I want from you. There is too much hate in this world already. And it will only hurt you further. Don't hate me Finn and don't be sad for too long. It's okay if you forget about me after a while. Not just straight away. Tell the glee club too. And Mr Shue. I will remember you all forever. I'm happy I got to be your friend and I'm happy I got to have a brother. Even if it only was for a while. You were a great brother and I love you for that. Remember that Finn. I love you. _

_I love you my brother_

_Kurt _

He leaned on the cold stone and once again clenched the letter in his hands.

"I love you too Kurt, I love you too and I don't hate you." He whispered "I will never forget you, I promise"

_The boy closes his eyes. It's cold around him but he will sit there until the end of the night. Then he will get up and leave. He will be okay. And he will be happy. He will live his dreams. He will tell his kids he once had a brother. That he still has and that he loves his brother a lot. Because this is what he promised. To not forget. And he won't_

The end...

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**Can't believe I cried. This was probably the hardest story I have ever written. And I chose to focus on family and friends. Especially brotherhood and love between siblings. My brother and sisters mean so much to me ... Anyway here's the end. I hope you like it and that you liked this fic. AND it would MEAN the WORLD to me if you took a couple of minutes to let me know what you think. It won't take you long but will certainly make be very happy and motivated. Anyway I will probably start a new Klaine story soon. As I figured I missed Blaine a lot in this one. Again all my love to you guys who have read this story. I hope to see you soon again. **

**xxx**

**morot**


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